Why would anyone want to divorce after decades of building a life with another person?… this breaking down and blowing apart, financial meldown, alienating family members, upsetting children, some now adults themselves, perplexing friends and forcing them to choose sides. The gray divorce: reasons and the aftermath need consideration.
At a time in life when one should be feeling comfortable and somewhat settled, people over the age of 50, basically boomers, are the demographic driving divorce rates. 1 in 4 new divorces involve the over 50 crowd and the trend does not appear to be slowing anytime soon. Surviving gray divorce emotionally and financially is very different based on your gender.
What Are the Reasons for a Gray Divorce?
- Growing apart while living together: building a life most often entails having a family and raising children. Most people understand the demands of parenting and the fact that it can span a few decades – how it can be an all-consuming shift where you place childrens’ needs ahead of your own. Any relationship needs tending but if all care and attention are lavished on children, you may neglect your marriage. The result is that you and your partner may lose touch and grow apart. Children mature and leave, taking with them the only remaining interest you and your partner shared. So you now have empty nest syndrome as well as the realization that you are living with someone you no longer know, with whom you no longer share interests, or laugh with or talk to – or care about. And the question then becomes: are you happy or are you unhappy enough to seek out the possibility of finding happiness again in the time you have left?
- Finances. Marriages are stronger when the husband is the main breadwinner and weaker when the wife takes on that role. As women have become more independent the stigma of divorce has diminished.
- Shiny new object syndrome: looking for greener grass after one’s partner is no longer engaged with life, fit or healthy, happens.
- Addictions play a role in marital breakdown. Alcohol, drugs, internet or porn addictions can destroy respect and trust in one’s partner.
- Domestic abuse is another reason people divorce. It doesn’t have to be physical. Abuse can be physical, psychological or financial. Either way, it can wear down the recipient until they have no alternative but to escape a toxic relationship.
- Retirement can result in relationship issues. A couple faced with being together 24/7 after decades of one or both people working can be an epiphany. Suddenly evening and weekend companionship becomes 7 days a week, 24 hours a day. There is no longer any break or escape from any issues of incompatibility, no routine to escape to, no office to which to retreat, no associates to socialize with. It’s just you and him…and maybe the grandchildren. You look around and ask: is this all there is?…this man sitting in his recliner with a glass of wine waiting for you to prepare and serve dinner, then clean up…and afterward watch television? Is this fair and is this the future?
- No-fault divorce has made the process of divorce from beginning to end less messy, instead focusing on a fair settlement with the splitting of assets. Now it’s all about business and the balance sheet.
After All is Said and Done and The Ink is Dry, Was It Worth It?
Studies indicate that men by and large suffer social isolation more so than do women after a gray divorce, telling us that for many men, their wives were indeed their best friends. For women, the drawbacks are less social than financial. Women are the most likely to end up with fewer financial options and without the same standard of living they had when they were married. Those who have taken time away from the workforce to care for children and act as homemakers are at a real disadvantage in that they have a limited time in which to catch up, both in terms of any career advancement or the setting aside of savings for future retirement.
What are the Effects of Divorce on Grown Children?
While mothers tend to become more involved with their adult children, men seem more inclined to move on, replace and re-partner resulting in some alienation from their children. It is these men who as they age can become “kinless” older adults.
But it’s much more complicated than that as outlined in this article: https://karencovy.com/adult-children-of-divorceHow
How Divorce Affects Friendships
At a time when divorcing couples are needing the support of their friends and family, they are likely to lose some or all of their previous couple relationships. Women can lose up to 40% of their friendships. It’s loss all round. Former friends and family members who are uncomfortable with grief, decline to take sides or shun one of the two people parting company. If their own marriages are rocky or insecure many couples might question if it could happen to them. So in a time when we are losing our partner, we may also be abandoned by former friends.
Aside From Financial Inequities, There is the Psychological Aftermath
Statistics say that men are more likely to regret divorce than are women. While both men and women might celebrate their autonomy after divorce, they also complain about loneliness being a constant. It naturally follows if you’ve been in a marriage for decades that you have established a life history with your partner, shared ups and downs, good times and bad. Your ex-spouse will always be woven into the fabric of your life. Divorcing won’t change that fact, but no longer having someone you know and who knows you can be a lonely realization. It can be similar to decades of your life disappearing with no one but you as sole witness to what transpired during that period.
In some marital breakdowns, there might be lingering anger but in others, there can be profound disappointment, and that disappointment might just be the worst. You might always wonder if you could have done more, if he had only done more or why “we” didn’t do more. Not all people who divorce harbor negative feelings toward their former partner. Many tried but just could not make it work.
Looking For Love Again
Those who recouple after a gray divorce seem to fare better financially than those who decide to go it alone. Enter 
online dating sites which are geared to all ages.
Rather than waiting for the right person to appear, seniors who do not have the luxury of a long lifespan ahead, cut to the chase and venture onto the Internet to find someone compatible, someone to fill the void, someone to relate to, laugh with and share life’s moments. Some sites engage in compatibility testing, reducing the odds of wasting time with incompatibility issues. Some are hands-on and meet their clients in person.
Although some 30% of couples who marry claim to have found their match online, seniors have a different set of priorities when it comes to looking for a partner: they are not about to start a family, they don’t want drama and their patterns of behavior are set. They have a career behind them and retirement ahead or they are already retired. They are financially stable and want to remain that way; they have grown children who might disapprove of mom or dad dating again or feel threatened. It can get complicated. This is a time for true self-examination. Do you even want to put yourself out there, be vulnerable and get close to another human being again?
Many apparently do and those seeking friendship and companionship, or love, head to the numerous internet dating sites to assess who might be interesting and available.
Hope does indeed spring eternal because a life without hope is hardly a life worth living. And we all have a need to love and be loved, no matter our age.
Have you had a late-in-life separation or divorce? What are your afterthoughts? Do you feel liberated – or do you feel alone? And looking in the rearview mirror, was it worth it?
hello, it is a great and nice feeling to know that someone will create a great website like this and also create a write up on an article like this. i have come across situations where the wife is the major bread winner and the marriage is still strong. i will still agree with you as this does not happen often
Thank you Benny. Financial differences are what lead to many divorces, whether the woman is main breadwinner or not. Women today often earn more than their husbands, however those same husbands often compensate and provide other forms of support. In the end it’s all about commitment to the union…
You have hit the nail on the head with this detailed article.
As a senior myself, I can testify to the shock one experiences when the empty nest syndrome sets in!
My husband and I raised 8 children, all of them we are proud of and they are each successful in their individual fields (mostly medical) but our intense mutual focus upon them cost us a vacuum of grief upon their leaving.
This dismay was multiple. We didn’t know each other any more. I wanted to focus on some personal goals, whereas he wanted me to be by his side, non-stop which permitted no such opportunities!
Nevertheless, it’s been good to reflect and refocus as we each come through this new phase together.
Amy: Many thanks for the assessment. If a senior can move past the wrenching experience of separation and divorce, all power to them. I don’t personally think it’s that easy. You keep turning it over and wondering: what if? It may look attractive from the outside but living it is something altogether different. My unsolicited advice would be to try and see life as the cup half full, full of possibility and new experiences and endeavour to remain positive. Senior woman to senior woman, I wish you the best.