Family Rejection can take many forms. A mother may reject a daughter. A father may reject a son. The daughter and son may reject their parents. Siblings may reject one another. Whatever the players involved, family estrangement is a growing phenomenon coupled with pain, loneliness, a feeling of betrayal, and stigma. No one affected by it wants to discuss it.
Meanwhile, Google Trends reports a steady increase in searches about estrangement, primarily from Canada, Australia, and Singapore.
A shift in family values is in part responsible for the fact that 1 in 5 families in the UK and 1 in 4 families (or 70 million people) in America are experiencing some form of fracture from one or more family members. 7% of those are estranged from their mothers while 27% are estranged from their fathers. 1/3 of those are separated from a sibling. In the US, 1 in 10 mothers is estranged from one child. And 40% of Americans have experienced family estrangement at some point in time.
How long does estrangement last on average? Sometimes close to a decade, less for mothers (5 years)and more for fathers (7 years).
What precipitates estrangement can begin gradually or it can be a sudden breaking off of relations without explanation. This shunning can be described as bullying, abusive, and an exercise in extreme manipulation. The predominant opinion is that estrangement is the fault of the parents, but that is like saying it is always the fault of the adult child. Every situation is unique. What is notable is that family estrangement, sadly, is becoming a growing phenomenon.
What Causes Family Estrangement?
Why is estrangement such a pressing, current societal issue? We’re told that as society has evolved, higher education results in greater mobility. With this mobility, the nuclear family no longer resides in close proximity. We are looking at the decentralization of families which have become smaller. The urbanization of those same families results in estrangement.
Today’s culture tends to be hyper-individualistic and we have chosen to be less reliant on our family for survival.
Current family relationships are largely governed by the pursuit of happiness and personal growth. There is less of any sense of duty or obligatory responsibility for one another. Add to this development the existence of government-sponsored safety nets which usurp reliance on the nuclear family.
Most separations are set up by the adult “child.” When estrangement is initiated by the adult “child” it is usually precipitated by a clash in values such as:
- past abuse (physical, sexual, or emotional)
- divorce – and the resulting taking of sides
- politics and the controversies surrounding Brexit, Black Lives Matter, the Covid pandemic, and vaccine conspiracy theories.
- religion
Other Influences
Not to be underestimated are 3rd party narcissistic influences. These can include daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, or sisters or brothers-in-law, some with control issues, an axe to grind, or the need to redress some insecurity.
Any dialogue about potential disputes, hurt feelings, or slights real or imagined appears to be shunned as well. Severing a relationship without warning, without airing the issues that led up to it, although cowardly, has become a thing. Daughters ghost their mothers without warning, taking with them any sense of real connection along with the grandchildren. Siblings fracture when one parent needs care and only one person steps up, while the others ignore the ailing parent and the custodial sibling.
The Fallout 
Losing a close family member due to estrangement is like a death in the family.
No one anticipates estrangement or a major rejection and the recipient is usually blindsided when it happens. Gone is a sense of belonging to a group of people you thought you knew and who knew you. This is something that cannot be replicated. There is no template whereby you can re-create a new family construct. It has vanished along with a shared history.
Being Shunned
Rejected family members feel pain, depression, a sense of helplessness, loneliness, and a dread of any social disapproval that might follow. They don’t understand it themselves and therefore can’t explain it to others.
Recipients of estrangement don’t want to talk about it because of the guilt, shame, self-doubt, and second-guessing it entails.
Although the estrangement can be ambiguous, and without explanation it may never be fixed or reversed. But the resulting shame needs to be addressed.
You can’t control another person’s behavior, but you can control your own response. If you feel you need to talk to someone, find an estrangement therapist who specializes in family issues.
Self Care Is Critical
If you know you are not to blame for the shunning, do not contact the person who has shunned you because you owe them nothing – most especially your self-esteem and self-respect. Their lack of empathy must be offset by your doubling down on your own self-care and healing.
Some advisors counsel that you should demean yourself by continuing to attempt contact and even go so far as to suggest you apologize for some unknown transgression you may or may not have committed. I totally disagree. If you are the object of estrangement through no fault of your own – you are the victim of someone else’s problem.
Try journaling to clarify the situation to yourself. Write down all the things you like about yourself, your achievements, your values, and your ethics. Give yourself a pep talk. And do protect yourself from further psychological harm by realizing this may not be your fault and is entirely out of your control.
You need to set boundaries, so establish them. Don’t engage with people out to destroy you along with one of the fundamental relationships of your life. Find a family estrangement support group. If there is nothing available you can attend in person, look for something online. This is a time when you need support and understanding. And know that you are not alone because unfortunately, this is one of society’s current trends.
The Nuclear Family Is Not The Be All – End All
Also know that nuclear families do not necessarily have to be biological. It is important to expand your network of friends and interests in order to reduce feelings of isolation and vulnerability during this difficult time. Try volunteering for a good cause. By helping others you will help yourself heal.
Feeling more in control of your life, you will feel less a victim of someone else’s malice, insecurity or capriciousness and be able to move on. Things may change with the passing of time, but in the event they do not, you need to sustain yourself by seeking the support of people and activities that are positive and congruent with who you are as a human being. Do not allow this unfortunate, alienating behavior to define you.
